All We Need Is Love (even if only Puppy-Love)


They say time heals all wounds and to that I would have to agree.  It has been about a year and a half since Kimball’s death and my grief has lessened all the  more.  Her house has sold, Elizabeth is nearing to close on the estate and life moves on.  I’ve discovered some other troubling childhood traumas that surfaced and am dealing with them, and sometimes, all we need is love.  That unconditional love as well as the love of being needed. 

The other day I finally made the leap of faith and adopted a bouncing baby girl.  She is all of 7 lbs, part West Highland Terrier and Chihuahua and is the angel I seemed to have needed.  Yesterday marked Kimball’s sixty-first birthday.  I’m no longer grieving with sadness and tears, I am rejoicing in the memory of her life.  Her contributions to this world were great and wide and her love was never-ending.  I miss her, yet my heart is no longer as torn apart as it was; it has mended somehow.  Even what seemed like merely stitches holding the pieces of my heart together have miraculously healed and diminished through time.

This all happened because of the love of a dog?  Partly; and the fact that I spent a weekend in Austin with my dear friend and her husband (it was just the medicine I needed).  This friend is one of those friends who lifts you up and, for whatever reason, has always been one who gives off a healing energy.  It is as if we are kindred spirits and have a long ‘karmic’ history together.  Not that I don’t have wonderful times with my other friends and I do not wish to discount them; it’s just that there are certain connections with certain people and I have that certain ‘connection’ with her (one I don’t have with others…).  Plus, I believe people are in our lives for a purpose and this particular person is in my life for a particular purpose, something that she continues to prove.

Another reason for my change of heart and mind is that I met with a hypnotherapist the other day and was astounded by the results.  I got answers to many questions lingering from childhood (enough resource for another post actually) and, bottom line, most importantly I must move forward.  Still continuing therapy and finding comfort in knowing what I know what actually happened.  The fact is that we can never go back and exorcise the ghosts of our past, we can only recognize them and know that they might have taken those years; but they will never take one more second away from our present/future.  I was not only violated, I was robbed of my ability to bear children and that is one tough pill to swallow; but I’ve accepted it and must now make my way through this second half of my life – in harmony with the decisions of my past and present.

I’m currently sitting in the hair salon, waiting on my hair color, on my way over I had a thought that changes were looming; good changes, but big changes.  Normally I would be frightened, uneasy; but I wasn’t for some strange reason.  I’m embracing them.  Could it be this new addition to my home that is causing me to think in terms of new possibilities?  Or the talks with my friend and the walks in her, now, new home town?  Whatever it is, I’m prepared to embrace them and move forward and finally make  some incredible strides with my new life.

Finding Ann MacGregor; hmm… I think I’ve made her acquaintance and her mine.  We are one, and that just might be this peculiar feeling.  I’ve not ever felt comfortable in my own skin; it feels good to finally be my own person.


Self-Image; Another Part of The Journey to Rediscovery

As a child I spent much of my life comparing myself to those girls/women around me.  I never thought of myself as attractive, always thought I lilballerinashad a huge weight problem and was the epitome of the ‘ugly duckling’ – only I would be cursed never to emerge the lovely swan.   To me it was so obvious.  The boys were never attracted to me – they would swarm around the other girls like bees to honey, and would only laugh at, or make fun of me.  Don’t get me wrong, I was fairly happy, until puberty… (Isn’t that normal?  I mean, who’s happy going through puberty?)

This last week was fraught with getting Kimball’s house ready to go on the market.  Elizabeth flew out and we met at the house each day.  The week started with an Estate Sale, at which time we had hoped much of the items would have sold – no such luck.  Many items sold (true); however, there was still so much more to go through, donate/junk.  Among those items were pictures, many pictures.

Kimball was a second mom to me (of sorts).  When our father died, our mother was so very overwhelmed that, unfortunately, Kimball was relied upon to do many of the chores and to step up for ‘baby’ duty (I was only a year at the time).  And step up she did.  So, most of my baby pictures we taken by Kimball and they were pretty cute pics (if I do say so myself).

As I was going through these, I noticed something; not one fat girl in the bunch.  WOW!  And it brought to mind the question; how and when do we get these images in our heads?  It also reminded me of just how powerful that image is when in the head of our inner child.  I believe I’ve written about this before and, for the sake of this example, I will touch on it again.  I can remember when I was in Kindergarten, my classroom was on a lower level; at the one end were these stairs climbing up to the double doors that lead to the hall.  They were beautiful wooden stair cases that split and cascaded down into the room.

Flash forward twenty-three years; I returned to that school to say hello to some of my teachers (if they were still there… and some of them were).  I entered the Kindergarten room from the hallway, excited to see the ‘cascading staircase’ in all its glory.  As I opened the door I am stunned.  What I remembered in my child’s mind’s eye was reduced to only five (count them 5) stairs… not the twenty or so, cascading down.  I chuckled to myself and was astounded at just how powerful that child’s memory can be when compared to the actual truth.


How powerful that is, think about is for a minute.  Too bad we can’t see for ourselves the actual truths with each and every memory holding our happiness hostage.  Because when we scrutinize our image, our weight, our looks – comparing them to others – we are giving power to that which we somehow picked up on as children.  And that, I believe, is holding our happiness hostage and I had done this for some time.  Sure, I thought I had gotten past this, thought I had beaten the image thing.  I was happy with my weight, my looks, myself.  But, I was still berating that little girl, the teen, etc… I wasn’t being kind to her at all.  And how often is it that we all do this?   To what purpose does this serve?

As I continue this journey of self-discovery, I must also learn to love myself (way to go Ann, duh!).  I know, that is the obvious.  But this means everything, the good and the bad, including all that I have done to belittle myself.  We are so quick to forgive others of their own trespasses, but are reticent in forgiving our own.  Forgiveness is a wonderful way of letting go and moving on.  Shouldn’t we then practice this with ourselves?  I came across this poem by the great Charlie Chaplin; it spoke to me and I hope you will enjoy.

As I Began to Love Myself – Self Love Poem by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this
connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

21 V. 49 – Did the earth shake?

As you all know my niece and I had words over the holiday.  Mostly out of her disrespect for my oldest sister – aka her Aunt – hey! Nobody else was going to speak up – I merely told her how I felt; but who would have known such a split would have happened in our family?

I want her to know that I will always be here for her.  However, I’m fearful for the path she is choosing to go down as I chose this exact path when I was her age.  So strange how it is that someone who didn’t come out of my womb could be so much like me.  I want so much to shout it at her, to shake her, but all I can do is allow her to live her life and  hope that she has chosen wisely and will continue to do so.

And, make no mistakes about this one, she hates me now – though I’m sure it will pass.  She does not like being made to face facts and will do what she has always done that has worked thus far and that is to lash out at those who love her most.  What was it I said before?  Being a parent means doing the ‘tough’ stuff and allowing yourself to be hated, despised or worse.  I guess I will need to just allow this the time it needs and hope.

Bottom line is that I would much rather be despised for speaking  my mind – true and heartfelt – than to be accepted for lies.  If she is to love us she will need to love us – true and heartfelt.  For that is how I/we love her.

Does being a ‘family’ mean not saying or speaking up when you feel you have been wronged?  Are you to just brush everything under the rug and slither out the door without even giving those you are angry at their ‘time in court’?  I don’t think so.  Family to me means that we discuss openly what needs to be discussed and that ALL are heard.  My niece, her father and mother did nothing to give us our ‘day in court’.

The choices of my niece brings back some really bad memories for this writer.  Memories of a young girl who wanted nothing better than to be seen for herself – to be seen for the image in the mirror that she so wanted to catch up to.  She, only nineteen, a college student at the local Jr. College.  Her roommate, twenty-two and also a classmate, who was working as a cocktail waitress and called one night, “you have to come down”, she had gotten to know the lead singer in the band and thought that this guy would be perfect for her best friend.  “C’mon, get yourself dressed and get down here, I’ll make sure you get in the door.”  “But I’m not ready, far from, just got in from work” she replied.  “Get down here, there is this dream of a guy and I KNOW he is for you.  If not, at least you’ll have a blast.  C’mon…”, her roommate insisted.  She thought about it, and replied “ok, I”ll be there in twenty.”

She got there, the band was playing; she checked out the place, spotted her friend.  Then she spotted the band; the lead singer was tall, lanky, dark and handsome.  ‘Her friend was certainly right about one thing, he was handsome; but couldn’t be interested in me’, she thought.  “Hi!”  Her roommate said, getting her by the bouncer.

Well, here she was in the club.  She ordered a Gin and Tonic (G&T) – Tall – seemed like a ‘grown-up’ drink, aside from the usual beer.  Her friend introduced them, they danced once, then she danced with others.  Later, it was closing time and Tony – that was his name – came to talk with her.  She was in a state of disbelief and almost didn’t want to get her hopes up too much.  So many things went through her mind.  They sat and talked at the table way after closing time – this was the benefit of being with the ‘in crowd’.

Later, there would be many more trips to the club, he would sing to her, sit with her, she gave him her number; they went on motorcycle rides/picnics/outings.  He would come by the apartment and often; she was falling and hard.  For it only took one look, one word over the phone and her heart would jump.

One day, as she and her roommate were sitting in their kitchen getting ready for work, there was a knock on the door, it was Tony who just came by to chat.  He sat down as they both continued putting on their make-up.  He started talking and joking, talking about his day and the upcoming weekend.  Then as he talked, he said something to the effect of “oh, my wife and I…blah, blah blah blah blah…” just like that.  He mentioned her in mid-sentence.  As if it were something that was to be known.

Her heart sank right to her stomach, she was silent.  Neither of them  knew what to do.  She’d never had this sort of thing happen to her; how could she?  She was only nineteen.  To look at her one would think a drill was going off inside her body drilling through each organ one at a time.   After he left, she cried like she never cried – or so it seemed.

I would LOVE to be able to say that I stopped this relationship, I would love to, but I didn’t.  I believed the lies.  I wanted the ‘fairy tale’.  We went on like this for about four months – maybe six.  I did end up moving on after catching him with another woman, buck naked in the back of his van – that’s right folks, once a cheater… isn’t that how the saying goes?

Since those days I have heard that he, unfortunately – and I do mean this truly – ended up in a horrible motorcycle accident making him mentally disabled.  I’ve grown beyond those days and have forgiven him, however I’m not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself.

This is the path that I hope to save my niece from.  Because, though it’s not an excuse it was my reality, I was looking for love from a man.  Losing my father at such an early age did take its toll.  And with my niece, her father too – though physically available at time – was unavailable emotionally.  But you don’t find love from an outside source through a mate.  The only way to find it is to find it within, through empowerment.  And you find that empowerment within yourself.  Because Dear-one’s you can only love those as much as you love yourself.

Finding Ann Mac Gregor; a journey of many, many steps (sometimes it’s 2 forward and 3 back… But at least it’s forward). Ah! I’ll catch up.

It’s a new day and has been quite a few weeks since I’ve been on (let alone written on) this site.  I’ve been in somewhat of a “funk” lately.  To the “professional” I would be diagnosed as severely depressed, to some other’s I might be thought of as merely feeling sorry for myself.  To me, the feeling of worthlessness comes to mind.  I mean seriously, I’m a middle aged woman who, at this stage of my life, thought that I would have been living the “happily ever after” story.  The story that ends with a successful career, a life with a wonderful partner, who loves me despite my faults (of which I have many), wonderful friends and a wonderful home that is filled with both family and friends.

My spiral started downward sometime ago (something that I ignored, buried and covered up) and was propelled by recent events.  To those who have never suffered from depression it might seem that I should just be able to get over it and move on.  But to any of you who have had the unfortunate experience I’m describing, you know what I’ve been battling.  Mostly it has been this feeling of being stuck with no way out; worthless.  The question of “what have I done with my life” haunts me.  Along with the questions, “where do I go from here” and “who will hire me now?”

Now logically I realize that I must be starting a new phase.  But honestly, it is difficult at times to see the end of the vast tunnel before me.  That tunnel that is so dark and long, where I might see a small speck of light, but where the darkness is so vast that it
 overshadows that small, albeit gleaming, speck.   This is where the “hopelessness” comes from, when a person is so anxious to know what the end result will be that they give up before there is ever a chance to see it.  And, even so, that “result” is never seen until “hindsight”.

Recently I was reminded of the woman, Florence Chadwick, who in 1952 attempted to swim the 26 miles between the Catalina Island and the California coastline. As she began, she was escorted by small boats that watched for sharks and were prepared to help her if she got hurt or grew tired. About 15 hours into the journey a thick fog set in. Florence began to doubt her ability and told her mother, who was in one of the boats, that she didn’t think she could make it and, after swimming a little while longer, was finally pulled out of the water as she was unable to see the coastline due to the fog. As she sat in the boat, she found out she had stopped swimming just one mile away from her destination.  Two months later, Chadwick tried again. This time was different. The same thick fog set in, but she made it because she said that she kept a mental image of the shoreline in her mind while she swam.

What I love about this story is it reminds me that, although I may be haunted by the vast tunnel, also too, I may only be a short distance from my destination.  For who knows what will happen tomorrow?  Who knows who I’ll meet?  Or what I’ll do?  It is a lucky thing that I’ve been given some time to take off and think things over, for I need this time.  To patch myself back together?  Certainly.  But mostly, this time is needed to take stock in my own journey and all that I do have and be grateful.

However, being grateful for what I have (family, friends) has never been an issue; for I truly am blessed.  But this issue of my own abilities and feeling comfortable in my own skin, this is something that I continue to have issue with.  Of course it didn’t help to return to a workplace that chose to penalize me for being out by demoting my position and reducing my salary.  At one time my co-workers called me a ‘pit-bull with a personality’; meaning: I got the job done at all costs and could make you smile while I did it (just don’t get me riled… wink, wink…).  These days, I feel as if that part of me has drained out my toes and onto the street.  I just don’t have that woman in me anymore.  I’ve been afraid of my own shadow lately.  But, that is an issue of the past and all I can do is start from where I am and take stock in what I have and be grateful.  That said, a recent conversation with my brother reminded me of the true talents that I hold and the wonder of life itself.

So, where do I go from here?  Well, the good news is that I’ve got the gumption to blog (well, for me anyway… I can, at the very least, get these feelings out).  And I am feeling better.  I am getting out, maybe not every day; but I’m getting out some of the time.  I’m crying a little less each day (much less now than in the beginning), and the world doesn’t seem to be weighing on my shoulders quite as heavy as it had been.  I’m making plans for the holiday (always a plus); and I’m looking forward to it (a double plus).

This week is a time where, not only is it a wonderful excuse to gorge ourselves with wonderful morsels of turkey and all the fixings, but it is a time to really think about all that we have to be thankful for.  My ancestors were among those who first gave thanks, some settled in the Dakotas and are still there.  I’m grateful for the family that has grown from my history into my present life; all of whom I’ve recently had the privilege to get to know.

I’m extremely grateful for the many memories of my own childhood; starting with my mother and her many traditions; from the way she could stretch a penny by sewing all our clothes and cooking wonderful meals (meals that Rachel Ray would be jealous of) to the talents that she inherently handed down to all of us.  I continue to be grateful for my siblings and the bond that we all continue to share.  My gratitude continues onto my friends, all of whom have supported me with their truths and kindness’ these past years.

All this being said, I am a very rich woman in deed, as cliché as this sounds; I just need to place more emphasis on the light (even if it is only in my “mind’s eye” like our Miss Chadwick).    What’s next?  I have no idea.  Perhaps it will be like the ride at Disneyland’s Space Mountain; where you can’t quite see the track, but you must trust that it’s there and simply sit back and enjoy the ride.     So, here I go… ready or not. 

Breathing; the natural medicine. Sometimes it is just what the Doctor ordered.

Enjoy Life Foods

Image via Wikipedia

Sometimes you just have to slow down and breathe (in: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, out: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) and listen only to the sound of your heartbeat.  I’ve been a buzz of emotion these past few days (weeks/ months/year) and sometimes the best medicine is to just be still.

I realize how whiney I must have sounded to many of you and this has been emphasized by a phone call that I received recently from a friend who told me of an accident and how in the briefest of moments her friend was thrown from a motorcycle and into a coma and has yet to awaken.  It was on this same day that I was told by my ex that his sister had fallen from an 18′ ladder and that she herself is fighting for her life and is still in intensive care. 

My prayers go out to these people; all of them.  Those that are ailing; but most to their loved ones who must stand by and watch helplessly, wondering what’s next?  Where will this path lead?  Will they come out of this and if they do, then what?  Will they function? (so many questions.)

This truly puts a new light on my own troubles; for I have my health and, so far as I know as of today, I still have a roof over my head and money in the bank.  I still have my faculties and a family that loves me.  I’m not wanting for anything that I don’t already have and I love what I’ve got (not many can say that).

I’m still a bit shakey from the events of the past few months; however, I will survive and come through.  I read in the books by Esther and Jerry Hicks that life is to be enjoyed; we aren’t meant to be here to worry.  We make this life too difficult on ourselves, constantly fighting to paddle upstream and resisting that which is coming our way with ease (because we think it came too easy).

So, starting today I intend to do much more breathing and listening; bringing in my oars and allowing that which the Universe (or God) has in store for me to come to me (or me to it) and be grateful for this journey.

I don’t know what is in store for me, but I do know that everything I want; everything I need is already waiting for me.  I need only to breathe, relax and enjoy this wonderful thing called life.  And enjoy the view while I’m doing it.

Success; just what is the definition?

According to Mariam Webster the definition of SUCCESS

  1. obsolete : outcome, result
  2. a : degree or measure of succeeding b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence

Most people only look at the second part of 2-b, ‘the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence’.  It is with this that I have issue.  There are other ways to be considered ‘successful’ that are completely overlooked.

I was just talking with a friend of mine.  As girls we used to walk

Hoard of ancient gold coins

Image via Wikipedia

around Balboa Island and look at the houses, dreaming of our futures with the hopes that we would be successful.  We hoped that we would be rich and powerful women in the workforce.  She hoped of possibly landing into real estate or owning her own company.  I would be famous as an actress or singer, without a doubt, and go off to New York by way of England in the Royal Shakespearean Company.

We both got accepted to Cal State Universities and went onto college.  However, as life would have it she dropped out of college with all the intention of completing her degree later; and got married and had a family.  I too dropped out of college and fumbled from one job to the next, went back to Jr. College and was holding three jobs just trying to keep up.  My dream of being an actress just didn’t seem ‘practical’ and so I got a ‘real job’ and ended up moving north.  She found herself with one baby and then two, so needless to say college went on the back burner.

Before we knew it we found ourselves in our 40’s.  While we were talking she was telling me how she didn’t see her life as a success.  Now, this is a woman who has raised two of the most self sufficient and thoroughly enjoyable women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, working alongside her husband in building their successful business.  Put both their girls through school; and has done so without so much as a complaint.  I asked her, ‘how could that not be successful?’  So many other parents might be rolling in the dough, be heads of Fortune 500 companies, but their children are completely lost and are a mess.  Parenting is ‘the’ most important career out there.  Now that, coupled with working the family’s successful business, putting in weekends and nights, I’m hearing ‘SUCCESS’ loud and clear!

I have another friend who seems to be suffering from the same plight.  She compares herself to all of her friends and how they must have it together because they have their doctorate or they have built such a financial success for themselves.  But this is a woman who, as a teacher, still gets letters and emails from students that she taught years ago.  Now, I ask you, does that sound to you like an unsuccessful person?  She has impacted hundreds of little minds in a positive way.  She was voted Teacher of the Year and continues to strive to find new ways to reach out and make the learning last.  Doesn’t sound like an ‘unsuccessful’ person to me.

The first part of our definition is ‘favorable or desired outcome’ and in both these scenarios I do believe they achieved a favorable and desired outcome.  We get so hiped up on comparing ourselves to the ‘wealth’ of others that we forget to see what we have done  is right in front of our noses.

I think we all should keep an ‘at-a-boy/girl file’.  When life gets a bit harsh or we get a bit low, you pull that out.  In there you keep all the notes, all the praises, all the awards, all the pictures.  Pull them out from time to time to remind you just how successful we all are.

I’m the first to say that I haven’t done what I set out to do, but I’m also going to tell you that I’m not done yet.  I continue to reinvent myself and I don’t have to keep the little girl  I was happy.  Those dreams I had were wonderful at one time, but I have new dreams, new aspirations and many new things I wish to do.  There is a whole lot of life still waiting to be lived.

Success can be measured in many ways; and not to mitigate those who have pulled themselves up to be the millionaires that run companies; but I think the true measure of success is what we do with each other and in the character of a man.  Not in the degrees or the money, but rather in the love and the compassion you show.

You might say, “Nora that’s a given, that’s easy” but I say, it’s not as easy as you think.  There are a great many people out there that are what I call emotionally retarded.  They have absolutely no concept and they have absolutely no ethics.  Many would look at some who seem so brilliant and who have done so much for an industry, as successful.  But they treat their employees and sales force with no humanity; like puppets or pawns in a game, their game.

No, don’t be fooled by the money factor.  Too many people can be so clearly blinded, especially in this economy.  Love and compassion must be the driving force.

So, what is the definition?  I prefer to stick with the first part -favorable or desired outcome… and add ‘the attainment of character, love and compassion through the eyes of those you touch’.

Melt Downs – Learning Processes to Cherrish!

A time-lapse animation of icecubes melting in ...

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Melt downs can be good, unless they take over and you are unable to focus on anything  other than ‘zoning’ out, then you need a mental institution.  This is where I believe I should have been headed this past week.  I truly felt myself melting away and felt myself going back to that place I visited back in 2007.

There was a time when life became so overwhelmingly heavy that the burdens I carried made this ‘woman of stone’ crumble.  Gradually, I was able to pick up the pieces.  But there were many changes after that; my lay-off,  my separation, my sister’s cancer, my new job, new apartment and then my bankruptcy.  Yea, many changes.  All of which I felt I had to be strong through, over and around and under.

For my sister, I felt as if I had to be strong beyond anything.  I don’t know why exactly, but that was how it was with our mother too.  I was the one who felt I had to institute the decisions about bringing all of us together and facing the fact that she had dementia and with facing the fact that we had to move her in with one of us.  I was also the one who had to tell her that she was to wear a ‘garment’ (a diaper for lack of better term; not an easy thing to say to your parent if you’ve ever had to do such a thing; trust me on this…).  On the other hand, I’ve also been the one to speak with our mother when she would ask me the tough question like, “how long have I been out of it this time?”

Wow, that was a tough one to answer; and I just looked into her eyes and would gently tell her the truth.  She would start to tear up and tell me how much she never wanted us to have to live with this.  I would remind her, this was our time to take care of her and how she raised all of us (all four and without any help).  She did remarkably well.  Now, it was our turn.  That is life and sometimes the tables just turn that way.

Anyway, I guess there are going to be times where we are going to have no choice BUT to crumble, rest, and take refuge in the fact that we will be able to face the challenge in time.  But we don’t necessarily have to face it alone.  My problem is (and has always been) asking for help.  AND accepting that help.  For whatever reason, I continue to think that I can do it alone.

I was talking with a co-worker and he said something that I found very interesting.  He said that perhaps I’ve always watched my mother ‘go it alone’ so I must have figured that I should have been able to do the same.   Hmm.  Interesting.  How true is that?!  She did ‘go it alone’ because she had to.  But that doesn’t mean that I need to follow in the same foot steps.

Wow!  It is amazing to me, this is what I did in my marriage as well.  I gave in to this thinking.  That my mother did it on her own and didn’t ‘need’ anyone, why should I?  So, I essentially pushed away the very person I should have been depending on.  Now, I’m not placing all the blame on myself; no.  But, I am acknowledging my part.  Interesting, isn’t it?

Wow, who knew that so much could be gathered by one ‘melt-down’?  I love this process!

Romance… Perhaps I’m Ready to Dip My Toes In.

Living the good life

Image by San Diego Shooter via Flickr

Ahh… Saturday morning, and what a glorious morning it is!  Life is good; it’s GREAT!  For the first time in a long time (much longer than I can remember) I feel happy to awake every morning.  Sure there are moments where I’m down, but the difference?  They are only moments and then they’re over.

They say that we go through seasons in our lives and I do believe I’ve finally arrived to the ‘Spring’ of those seasons.  Where everything is in bloom and starting a new; old has made way for new.  I’m feeling it now as I meet new people and make new friends (and new love interests possibly?).  Yep, you heard that right, there are a few new possibilities, I like the variety.  More importantly, I like the idea of simply getting to know these new individuals with no other thought than finding a new friend (period).  It is a delicious thought however, ‘new love’.  Possibly another reason for my spring in my step.

With this new ‘spring in my step’ I find I enjoy everything so much more.  I now look forward to making plans.  Whether it’s just getting out or to go away with friends and family;  I no longer get caught up in all the old garbage that used to fill my mind.  All of those thoughts of ‘I’m not good enough’ have somehow vanished.  Well, not completely, but I’m able to kick them out just as quickly as they come in.  It’s wonderful!

Truth is, we all have feelings of not being good enough.  It’s just that some of us know not to believe those thoughts and to kick them out as quickly as they come in, where others of us choose to dwell on them.  And here’s the thing, we are ALL good enough, better in fact.  We are ALL deserving of the bounty that this life has to offer if only we would just relax and allow ourselves the pleasure of accepting it.

Well, I’ve accepted it and will continue to accept all that this life has to offer me.  And you know something?  I think that is why my career is turning around too.  I’m finally back in a good space where I enjoy who I work with, am enjoying the challenges I face which, in turn, helps me to not take things so seriously.  The person I work with is also a good balance for me, very calming.  And our company is in a position of growth and improvement, I can see it, which is always exciting.

Yep, life is great.  New possibilities, new friends, new experiences.  And romance?  Who knows, perhaps I am ready to dip my toes into the pool again.  We’ll see.

Who’s Gonna Make it After All? Me… I am… that’s right!

First scene of the The Mary Tyler Moore Show o...

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Some days you just gotta say “all is right with the world.”  Well I am having just one of those days.  Business is booming, everything seems to be going my way and I’m LOVING it!  Its days like this where I could swear I hear my theme song playing in the background.  You know the one I’m thinking of… ‘you’ve come a long way after all…’ from The Mary Tyler Moore Show’; God does that bring back memories.

I always wanted to be like her when I grew up, right down to the apartment (the cute one in the older episodes… not the newer one that she moves to later…).  She really had it together.  Always had everything in it’s place.  But life isn’t TV as we are so often reminded and thank GOD!

But, occasionally I imagine that song playing as I drive or walk down the street (especially when I’m feeling as on top of the world as I do today).  I mean, it’s not gonna hurt anyone… besides, it does give a little lift in my step and a glint in my eye and a certain mystery (makes people wonder…).

Yea, I’m finally feeling in my own, both at work and at home.  I LOVE days like today and I just had to share, that’s all.  I guess ‘I’m gonna make it after all’.

Reflection can put your world in a whole new light. Is it me or did someone clean my rose colored glasses?

Rose Coloured Deceptions

Image by derekGavey via Flickr

Ah, summer is finally here.  I’ve had so much to reflect on this past year (my year is almost up you know…).  I’m still a bit wary of dating; I just found out that a man I dated for a while was married that whole time (still is!).  As it so happens, my co-worker I just hired coached his daughter in soccer.   Not only that, but this same co-worker’s daughter is friends with his daughter (small world huh?).

The funny thing is that we were friends first and foremost, so there really was no reason for him to lie to me.  There was no way in hell he was ever going to date, or ‘be’ with me in the first place.  It was only after I left my husband that one thing led to another and the rest was history.  What an Asshole!  I feel for his wife, she probably has no idea.

My stupidity got me to thinking, because I had my suspicions.  I asked him, not once, but on three (3) separate occasions and he denied it each time.  He even laughed and joked with me the last time.  I should have known better I guess, but how?  I guess the next time I’m serious about someone, I’ll need to get their driver license number and check against the county records of all the states, then if ‘married’ shows up, check against for any divorce records (jeese!).

I should be pissed off, but I’m not; I just chalk it up to experience.  I told him ‘sienarra’ in February (yea, that was him… the “I taught you how to treat me” guy).  He told me he was living with his sister (what a dolt I was, damn!).  But I am learning and I’m learning through the actions of what I don’t want, that which I do want in my life.  No longer is a man going to woo me over with simple flattery.  It worked at one time (might even for a minute now… but only a minute), but not now.  Because, like I’ve said before, I like this woman I see.  I love the curves (saggy arms and all), the wrinkles, the gray; I even love my humongous nose.  And if I love these characteristics, somebody else will too, I just know it.

There is somebody out there who will love me for me, be able to believe in me when I can’t, pick me up when I fall and who will allow me to do the same for them (that is the tricky part… not everyone will allow that for themselves).  Relationships are give and take; and to have a good one you must be able to do BOTH.

Thank God for summer and I’m so grateful that it is finally here.  Life and the world is looking oh so much fresher than it did a year ago, is it me or did someone just clean my rose colored glasses?