We are nearing three months since my sister’s death and, thinking I was merely melon-Colly, I returned from my errands, received a note in the mail, opened it and it was a picture. I sobbed as if she died yesterday. When will this subside? And it isn’t simply the death of my sister that has me so down (though that is enough), it is my own life in this ‘Topsy-turvy’ fashion, that has me even more ill at ease.
I was speaking with my brother the other day and the question came up, “So Ann, what any ideas of what you’re going to do? Y ‘know, work-wise?” Skreetch! Back up the bus… Then it hits me like a brick! I’m forty-nine (there I said it… almost Fifty, 5 0!), am I even hire-able? As I’ve written in past posts, I’m at an age where I’m supposed to be settled in a career, not restarting my life. What on earth am I to do in this second half of my existence? Who is likely to hire me now? Or am I to be like those lovely older ladies waiting on tables, or working in museums. After my experience at my last place of employment I am honestly too gun-shy to work for another employer. That place ran their business just ‘this side’ of the law and truly felt they could treat their staff as cruelly as they pleased (still do as rumor has it).
Perhaps I should have counted my blessings more, not tempted fate quite so much. I just don’t know what to do and Kimball was the one I could talk to about all this. By now I would have had at least four notes from her, we
would have had breakfast six times; eating Eggs Benedict as she encouraged me on. But today only emptiness fills the spot and I’m alone in this huge house that still houses her things.
Everywhere I go I’m reminded of her. And though not such a bad thing, I feel compelled to redecorate. Clear out the clutter; making way for new. It is very difficult to live with the ghost of the past. While, In the meantime, I wrestle with my unanswered future and where I fit in. I’m paralyzed by the thoughts of the “what ifs” versus the “what could Be’s”; so much so that their spinning in my head has made me dizzy with worry.
I can’t seem to run from the worry of what to do and if I can even do it at all (or well enough at all)… I think much of this stems from my childhood and that ‘never good enough’ feeling. I know, I know; many of you are reminding me what I’ve said before. That these were the feelings my sister had and that I swore I would find my blessings and hold them close each and every day (much easier said than done… I must tell you).
Still, this question lingers (and lingers); what am I going to do with this second half of my life? I don’t know if the tears are so much from my grief or my self-pity. Most likely both. What I do know is that I’ve gone back to a place where I’m barely able to move out of bed (that’s not good). I must get moving again. Depression is a past acquaintance of mine that I do not wish to share my bed or my living quarters with.
I will come to some understanding and find my passion again, but the loneliness is just too much at times and it is everything in me to stop from screaming. Still, there truly were times where I could feel the sun on my face, spring was in the air; then to feel this. How, how could I let this happen? But the more I struggle the deeper I go, like quick sand.
I’m in mourning and must remember this. My brother mentioned that to get through it he has made misery his friend (misery a friend?), he has embraced it. Suffice as to say, that once you do this you can move onto the project you wish to get done and you feel better for doing it. Similar to the famous Igor Stravinsky quote, “do it in cold blood”; he was asked how he could get up and compose each and every day, where does he get the inspiration? To which he replied, “I write and inspiration follows, I do it in cold blood.”
Perhaps that is what I need to remember when these moods (spells) come over me; to do things in ‘cold blood’ and the inspiration will follow and my lifted feelings will soon follow.
I won’t go so far as to say that misery is my friend, more like a caddy “friend-emy” – one of those enemies you wish to keep closer (keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer types?) – but I think I do understand where my brother is coming from. And perhaps there in lies the secret (who would have thought?).
Rainy days and Monday’s always get me down… today is a rainy day, but there are a myriad of appointments (plenty to keep me busy). Should be enough to dull the biting cut this grief has caused. And it should be enough to lift me from its paralyzing grip. “Do it in cold blood”, I shall Igor, I shall.
- Stages of grief (mylifeuncutalmost.wordpress.com)
- Preparing for Grief (everydayhealth.com)
- Why GRIEF: THE GREAT YEARNING Is Important – by Pat Bertram (secondwindpub.wordpress.com)