We encounter many people in our lives. Some are acquaintances, of whom become friends, of whom become close friends (even very close friends). I’ve never been one who likes change, when friends come in, I prefer they stay in my life “til death us do part”; or something like that. I realize that as the seasons change with the calendar, so do the people in our lives. There will always be a death of some sort; be it physical or a move or a disagreement/betrayal. However it comes, pain/grief follows (for me anyway).
I found myself in a situation that only recently became an act of betrayal – I was raped. Many call it “date rape”; but rape, none the less. By referring to it as “date rape”, there are many that would say that this wasn’t your typical rape (or was it… I read more and more stories like mine everyday). It started with my deciding to meet a new friend I met through my ex husband and the people that owned a restaurant we had frequented every Sunday for Brunch since we were first married. Anyway, I met this man and grew to like him, very much… Knowing he was well-respected and liked by the restaurant owner, the people who worked their and the other customers, a trust was formed between the two of us.
After several weeks, I agreed to meet him for drinks and lunch or dinner… We set the time, I was to go to his place… It was a MOTEL!!! I must admit with all his talk about all of his successes, I was a bit taken aback! Still, I went in, He made (as he calls it) his famous Margarita, a small one, this was then followed by a couple more (needless to say we never made it to the restaurant). I remember the final drink tasting funny, salty… but hey, it’s a Margarita… still I drank it (I mean, he’s 81, I’m safe right?)
I remember talking with him, he was fascinating and had wonderful stories. He did roll his chair over and we kissed; at this moment, I looked at my watch and told him I should go home, but I was feeling woozy. He then suggested that I should lie down and nap first… Next I remember waking, some of my clothing was disheveled (pants were undone, blouse undone, but I didn’t think much of it until after I got home and it was now 10:00 p.m. and my ex was again trying to wake me, saying he was worried because I wouldn’t budge… Not even my dogs barking would wake me. I was worried as I didn’t remember how I got onto my jammies… Completely blacked out.
It was at this point that I wondered, “what exactly happened?”
I started getting “confession” emails from him. Of the kisses, then, when in person, at the restaurant once Doug would leave for a smoke break, he would brag of how many times I climaxed with oral sex. I was blank! I truly didn’t know what to say. Then finally, several weeks afterwards when I rejected his last seduction, he explained how he was “at a loss as to how I was acting.” According to him when we had “intercourse”, he assumed I had a great time since I climaxed at least 3 times. My mouth dropped open and that was it! I was ready to let all go with the kisses, even if he had oral sex with me; but this placed the “creep factor up by about 1000!
I think what surprised me most was the reaction I had from friends. Some were extremely supportive and then there were those who chose to use this episode as a step off point to lecture me on my drinking (note: if you are planning an intervention – I should know as I’ve done many – timing is everything…). As if to say, “this wouldn’t have happened to you if you hadn’t been a drunk.” I don’t know, call me crazy, but are we missing the point here? Isn’t this one of the reasons so many don’t come forward? I’m not quite sure who I’m more disappointed in? It’s like being violated twice.
For some statistics found on Rainn.org 2/3rds of assaults are done by someone known to the victim and 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance. The point being, is that you go into a situation feeling that you will be safe and when that safety has been violated, the victim is not and should never be the one to blame. Believe me, there is enough shame and guilt going on in their head to have other’s pointing fingers. Please think twice before playing the “blame game.”
At any rate, I did file a report with the police department and have taken a long hard look at myself. This act doesn’t define, any more than the molestation in my childhood or the rape at seventeen did. The perpetrator is nothing but a bug in my eyes… One thing I do know is this; he will have to face the consequences, whether it’s in this life or when he passes. He knows very well what he’s done and it is time to place this “Situation” behind me.
I did, however, feel it necessary to share my story since this is something that happens more often than not and to more women/girls than a body can count… (let’s not forget the boys and young men out there) As I sated earlier, we first feel embarrassment and shame and blame… we blame ourselves for placing ourselves in that situation… NO! Not anymore! Again, whether you were drugged or drunk, being intoxicated no longer means “consent” in the ‘eyes of the law’, you must be conscious to give actual consent.
As for my friends, what they think is their opinion… and opinions are like belly buttons (we all have one). I still love them, always will. The biggie here is that I move on and be an advocate for someone else. Get myself settled and volunteer. Nothing starts the healing process quicker that taking your mind off you and turning it onto helping somebody else.