If you have been following my blog, you have read so much about my stumbling on this path I’ve chosen to follow. But that’s really what life is all about, is it not? We take our paths, making our choices at the forks in the road and walk one step at a time, sometimes stumbling as we go, but always rising with each fall.
That was how it seemed for me these past two and a half years until I made a choice that would soon alter everything (how I felt, looked and viewed the world). I said yes. It was a simple request to meet for dinner that would change my life for, not just the better, but to sheer bliss. The way I believe all beings are to live this thing we call life on this planet we call Earth.
His name? Not going to tell you… (well maybe) But trust me when I say that he is the most admirable of men. We originally met a little over three years ago in a class we were taking. We were friends; friends, who were each in our own lives with our own marriages. He has two children, I have none; but there was something about our friendship that was special for we truly liked each other and found we could talk to each other. However, by the end of class he went his way and I went mine. We kept in contact through Facebook (as with other classmates).
Within that first year after our class we each left our spouses, but as life would have it, it was too soon for either of us to start dating, let alone each other. He was off in his own world as I was in mine. Divorce (Separation… whatever), is a difficult time and a person needs time to grieve. Well, I did. There were days, weeks, even months, where I couldn’t go a day without crying over the loss of my marriage.
Granted, at the time I was nursing my sister who had just had major surgery – this was after her second diagnosis of Stage Four Ovarian Cancer in her Lymphatic System – but everything hit after my duties lightened around the house and her needs for me lessened. The loss of my marriage hit like a rock and the grief cut through me like a knife. All my dreams of a successful marriage (or what I thought was a successful marriage) were gone – stricken. (See on of my first entries in I’d Like To Introduce Me, Myself and I).
However, over time I became comfortable in my own skin. I grew to ‘like’ myself again and love that girl in the mirror. I had my ups, and many downs – the downs were in reaction to the many cyclones of distresses that happened out of my control. You see, when you are as ‘co-dependent’ as I once was (ha ha… I say that with such ease… “Once was…”), you have such a need to control the lives of everyone around you and their situations. You want nothing better than to ‘make’ their lives work; to make them ‘better’ (for lack of a better word).
The ‘if only’s’ start to take over and soon you are living in the cyclone, and BAM! You are now out of control with your own life; feeling self-doubt, worthlessness, hopelessness. It is a downward spiral. However, in time and with much help I’ve come to a place where I can now see the world from a different plain and a different, more peaceful angle.
The timing was outstanding, because you see, shortly after I came to this understanding, this wonderful man asked me to join him for dinner – just to catch up on life, mind you – but it was the start of something HUGE that will forever change my life.
Now, I can ‘t tell you how many times I have asked for such a person; a person who will love me for me, a person who believes in me when I am unable to believe in myself. Someone to hold me when I fall and to lift me up when I stumble, someone who, with one look into their eyes, tells me just what their heart is saying.
I finally have such a person, and he was here all along! It just took us some time to heal within ourselves to find each other. Who knew that within this journey of Finding Ann MacGregor, I would also find this wonderful man? Isn’t that just how things work? Find solace within yourself and the other pieces of your life start to fall back into place.
I can see the puzzle pieces of my life drifting down and falling in place and, as they do, gradually seeing the image of where my life is heading. I don’t know everything, exactly as of yet… But the image is getting clearer. And the colors are vibrant; the images are exuberant as they pop off the page. Life is good and is getting better with each passing day.
Sometimes we do want to have a crystal ball – I know I’ve mentioned this before – to predict our futures; how nice would that be? Then again, how wonderful it is to take each step, not necessarily knowing what our next journey will be, or what the scenery will look like as we pass it. What I do know is this; it is a fantastic feeling to know that I can relax and allow all the good into my life, while releasing the fear. Just allow and be grateful for the time now.
- How Important Is Romance In Your Marriage? (marriagegems.com)