July 4th, a time of our country’s independence. We celebrate our country’s history and I, for one, take a moment to think of the men and women who fought for our independence. What their lives must have been like and how different life would be had the outcome been in Britain’s favor.
Today, it just so happens, I’m also met with many questions of my own future and past. So much has happened in this last year alone. This time last year Kimball was in the hospital. She had spiked a fever and developed an infection, I brought in 4th of July decorations to decorate her room and was able to spend some time with her before I went off to a barbecue with friends. It used to be that she and I would at least spend the day together. I’d barbecue up some steaks, cook up some corn on the cob, make some of our mother’s potato salad and devil some eggs. But today I find, I’ve no one.
Being alone is fine for now as I’ve had quite a week. As it turns out we took a loved one of mine into rehab on Monday and, though he was willing, it was quite stressful. I felt as if I were leaving my kid at camp and he was going to be severely home-sick if I weren’t there taking care of him (I know, very co-dependent). But I know that he is in good hands and I continue to hope that he will take this opportunity and turn it into the new life he deserves; one of happiness, joy, creativity and love.
Still, the funny thing is that, though I’m alone, I don’t feel lonely. I feel pretty good about my life and the people in it. Each day is getting brighter and brighter and I believe that the days of dark and gloom are soon behind me as the light ahead gleams in from the end of the tunnel and shines upon my face and body. It’s sunshine, as it turns out; and not another train after all.
I can’t help but feel that I’ve made some huge mistakes that I must answer for, nothing too serious mind you, but I feel the need to take responsibility and own them in order to move forward. ‘Move forward’, the very phrase paralyzes me. I still haven’t the foggiest idea what it means for me to ‘move forward’; to what? Doing what? Where to?
I’m not even certain it was I who made the mistakes or if I was simply a victim of circumstance. Either way, I must come to grips with what has happened in the past in order to speak about it clearly and to not have shame associated with it. That is really what is killing me at the moment is all the shame I feel and for what? Getting fired? Having a nervous breakdown? Being weak?
Breaking this down: my firing was simple politics. I caught an agent in the act of ethical misconduct (unethical behavior toward a client and reaping the benefits/commission) and my boss (who also wanted to reap the benefits… aka commission) let me go because he disagreed with me. Or to put it another way, wanted someone who would do only as they were told and not what their conscience or the law dictated. You see, as a licensed insurance professional, there are certain ethical laws that I am required to stand by; I wasn’t about to budge.
My breakdown was a result of a decade of stressors, starting with a mother suffering from dementia who I cared for. A husband who was an alcoholic, tried to kill himself, found himself in treatment four times and suffered a stroke and heart attack (not all at the same time… stroke first, heart attack a year later), and finally, when I couldn’t take the drinking any longer, our divorce. Then there was my sister who suffered these last three years of cancer and was dying from the disease (though no one wanted to admit it… even myself; though deep down I knew) who I also cared for. This was catapulted by working for a company headed by a man who was sadistic in his dealing with his employees, causing them to fight us in the field at every turn. Telling us one day to be profitable and then almost admonishing us for being profitable! It was a no-win scenario. I simply buckled under the pressure of a decade of cyclones; bringing me one crisis after another; who wouldn’t?
So, how do I tell my new employer that they can trust me now? How is it that I can start over? How is it that I can gain my self-confidence to do what I know I can and move forward? Logically I can see that these last few years were necessary for my growth. They say that every experience is for a purpose. Sometimes the vine must be pruned back to the nub in order to bear a fruitful harvest.
I’ve certainly been pruned back to the nub and know that my harvest is bound to happen. Perhaps I’m rushing things and perhaps I’m trying to control the current of this river called ‘Life’. Perhaps, just perhaps, I should sit back and allow all that is good to just happen; realizing that I do deserve the good in my life and to stop revisiting the past.
According to a book by Esther and Jerry Hicks, The Astonishing Power of Your Emotions, they say; “The Law of Attraction says, ‘The essence of that which is like unto itself, is drawn.’ And what that means is: If I feel unappreciated because of circumstances that have recently occurred in my experience, the Law of Attraction cannot now surround me with people who appreciate me. That would defy the Law of Attraction.”
Or “If I am angry because people have been taking advantage of me, lying to me, dishonoring me, and even defacing my property, no action that I can take can stop those unpleasant things from happening, for that would defy the Law of Attraction.”
So what is this telling me? To stop thinking about and rehashing all that has happened. Accept it and move on; end of story. It is high time that I accept that what happened had more to do with what was happening to me and my ‘law of attraction’ than anyone or anything else. I don’t need to learn anything more about it. I don’t need an explanation, an apology or anything ‘righted’. It simply doesn’t matter.
There are so many ghosts in our closets. Many are from pasts of long ago. But what I’ve recently realized is that we keep adding to that closet and it’s time to put a stop to it; release them, let them go. No need to keep the old to revisit in the hopes that we will one day be able to figure out why or what happened. Or why whatever happened. It simply did; move on. Because, you see, as we keep ourselves looking back, we miss all the opportunities flowing right to us. I, for one, wish to start and continue looking straight ahead enjoying each moment as it comes.
On this July 4th, I declare my independence from the mishaps of my past in order to move forward to the bounty that awaits in my future.