Death… in a few short weeks I’ve experienced the emotional loss of my best friends (or who I thought were and by their blatant absence in my grief, their absence only brings home my point) and I’m experiencing the physical loss of a person so dear to me it seems unreal that my body should be able to function. It is amazing to me how the heart works; the expression ‘heart-broken’ feels just that – Heart-broken…
You feel as if your heart has been not broken but pulled apart, ripped into pieces. Yet it beats. It simply doesn’t seem possible. As for my friends, I guess one can argue that I brought their anger on myself and to them I would have to agree. On the other hand, is my friendship not worth the fight? Am I not worth saying “hey, bitch! I’m so f’ing mad at you for what you did! I’m pissed off!” Don’t I deserve at least that? To simply stay silent can tell me only one thing, I was right, my friendship meant nothing. And that kind of heart-break, though it stings like hell, is something I can live with, for you can’t miss something that was only imagined.
But in the face of my sister’s passing, so many others have come forward, people of whom I never would have imagined . I’ve made new friends and new acquaintances. And this leads me to realize that perhaps that is the part of life that I have dreaded for so long; that within this life we must endure several little deaths (if you will). Deaths of relationships, jobs, financial situations, traditions, hobbies; but within and through those deaths we renew and find new relationships, careers. We stretch ourselves into new hobbies and start new traditions.
I returned from the hospital the night before my sister’s passing after leaving her on both the oxygen that goes into the nose and the mask that covers the nose and mouth. Her end was imminent, yet she fought. She fought for a miracle because the thought of leaving this earth was so utterly terrifying to her. Like many of us, she journeyed through this life never thinking she was ever enough. That she’d never accomplished what So and So accomplished. Or, never did the types of things that So and So did, or… simply, that she never made her ‘mark.’
We do this all the time and all the while forgetting that while we are comparing ourselves to others, those “others” are comparing themselves to us. The grass is always greener, it always looks so lush and the lawn furniture seems to look that much more relaxing; that is, until you hop the fence and sit in that lawn chair, listen to it creaking while noticing the brown patches in the lawn.
I mention this because through this process of my sister’s journey to her passing, I’ve learned to not hide my light under a bushel any longer and to enjoy my own lawn and lawn chairs. Along with the puppy that might persist on pooping in the wrong spot (making for those pesky brown spots in my lawn)…
We all have brown spots and we all have creeks. But we also have (all of us) gifts to give to the world. No matter what those gifts are, no matter how small or insignificant they might seem; they are something major by way of someone else’s green-eyed monster lurking within.
My sister was very fearful of dying and one might say “aren’t we all?” To that I say, yes… to a certain extent. But when you’ve lived your life and are in touch with your gifts and those around you. When you live your convictions, without regret, then perhaps it’s easier. And, when we realize our gifts, and use those for others to enjoy (whatever those gifts might be, however grand or small), we have then made our mark.
But when we are constantly trying to keep up and comparing ourselves with “the others”, forever reminding ourselves in what it is we don’t have… then we lose sight on the true prize – peace.
Contrary to what you felt dearest Sister, you were cherished (even envied) by all who basked in your glow. You never were given the gift of child-birth or children yet you touched thousands through your tremendous gift and passion of education. It was those who sought your friendship who were in awe of you! We were overwhelmed by your grace and your beauty, by your love and your spirit and by your courage and your wisdom.
Dear Sister, you can now revel in the joy of the true spirit in which you are and forever will be, LOVE and Pure ENERGY.
I will love you and keep you close to my heart until we see each other again.