Challenges in this life happen, they happen to us all and – as I’ve said before – if you haven’t experienced misfortune of some sort, it is only a matter of time. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, then again, if you’ve followed my blog at all, you know my prospective then. There really isn’t any ‘bad’ or ‘good’ in this journey of life – there is only ‘LIFE.’ I had found myself in some sort of slump, which I am happy to report that I’ve found my skip back in my step… But, I’ve realized as I spoke with friends and acquaintances, these pit-falls are normal (especially given the losses I’ve been through lately).
I’ve been spending the last several days clearing out my sister Kimball’s house and experience the loss all over again. Though this time it is more about the loss of knowing that once her home is sold I won’t ever be able to enter. A stranger will be there; this will no longer be my refuge. The deep seeded pain yearning to see her one more time became that much stronger. I must admit, Elizabeth was giving me two weeks to clear out what I wanted and I just couldn’t face it. Finally did, but the tears started flowing out of nowhere… (Well, not nowhere – I was listening to Pink’s Who Knew on the radio). As this song reminds me of all the friends I’ve lost due to death.
So in this ‘melancholy’ state as it has been on and off, in true ‘Ann fashion’ I’ve used this time to think about not only those ‘lost friends/family’,but my past break-ups, my part in them and what I can use to move on. Since my break-up with my last boyfriend I’ve been very reluctant to trust any relationship or the possibility of finding ‘Love.’ I have an old friend who has come back into my life. This person confessed that he has been in love with me since high school only he couldn’t do anything about it then because I was ‘going with’ his best friend… (Golden Rule #1 in High School – NEVER date your best friends girl/boyfriend – NEVER). He claims that he still is – the problem is that I just don’t know that I can trust this.
You see, in the last, I was told that he would “love me no matter what” and that he would “never leave me”; we would “be old and gray together” and that I would most likely have to “beat him off with my walker” because he will never stop wanting me. But he did. He gave up, just like that, no discussion and no fight for ‘us’. To read this, many might think that I never got over him (especially my ex); rest assured, I did… What is difficult for me is the ability to trust a man again and THAT is NOT my MO.
I’ve always been a person who just gets “back on the horse”, I get back out there and have never had an issue finding another date. There is a reason for that, the longer you wait, the deeper the fear. So how do I rid myself of the rejection and the fear? My ex used to say that he wasn’t hung up on his ex or that there wasn’t anyone else… yet all of my friends (male friends especially) say otherwise. I don’t know, was he? Was he who he said he was? He did do a complete change at the end. I could freeze ice on his last email.
I just want to know my part. And as I said in my last post, sometimes when you try and make sense out of the ‘senseless’ you just bring on more of the same. Do I see myself in any relationship anytime soon? NO… Too much has happened. However, I must remind myself that I am a wonderful person/woman who has compassion and will pull through and put up with a great deal for the one she loves. I don’t need judgment; I want acceptance. I want to be loved despite my so-called ‘stupidity’ on certain subjects. I want to be loved because of the fact that others ‘find me attractive and funny’ and not jealous for fear that I’ll cheat. I want to be laughed with, not at… And I must have my family accepted not despised. Looking back, I know that a future for us was not in the cards and that he did me a favor (I thank him). As they say, this too shall pass – I’ll give it a couple more months. I will continue to keep busy, focus on my fire and recovering through that. Focus on my family/friends and all who love me.
As for my new ‘friend?’ We continue to talk on the phone… he is on the road most of the time and I hope to see him soon… we have not seen each other in almost three decades. The status of Friends is most likely the way it will stay (who knows)… all I know is that I am taking my time in all areas and that I am making some great successes (the greatest revenge? SUCCESS!) But, I’m a bit beyond the ‘revenge’ phase… I just want to move forward and learn.
I do know that much of this ‘blah’ feeling is a culmination of many losses that I’ve experienced these last several months. They were all ‘senseless’ and there is no making sense out of the senseless (even if one of those was made by another person). Everything happens for a reason and, as long as we relax into it and allow it, it will bring us to the next phase of our wonderful journey. This I do know to be true. There is a wonderful journey ahead, I simply need to relax into it.
So, tell me, what are your greatest challenges in LOVE? And what have you learned? We all have something; I would love to hear yours. (LOVE encompasses all, friends, family too)